Ideally Speaking

We all have these ideas of who we want to fall in love with. The ideal partner. Or maybe just a "type." Some of us want someone who is funny. Someone who is caring. Maybe someone who is family oriented. But how many of us really end up with someone who embodies everything we want to find? How many of us find someone with half of what we want to find?

Personally, I'd like to be with someone who is more outgoing than me. Someone who wants to take walks with me to go get ice cream. Someone who likes outdoor concerts - well concerts in general. And traveling. I would love to travel more, even if it's just to a neighboring state. Someone who can dance and actually wants to go out dancing from time to time would be great. Of course this has to be someone who I am physically attracted to which is a list all on it's own.. and I am a bit of a romantic, so I like little out-of-nowhere gifts. I'm not talking jewelry and other expensive things, I mean tickets to a comedy show or even a surprise chocolate cupcake could make me happy. I like to flirt and show that I am still interested so I want someone who I can still flirt with after we've been seeing each other for some time. Since I'm not a big drinker, it would be ideal for me to find someone who also doesn't drink a lot. I like to go to bars and lounges and have a few drinks, or even at home but getting buzzed on a Tuesday when you have work the next day is not very fun to me.

Then of course there's the more typical stuff. I mean, I definitely want someone who makes me laugh. Someone who has a job and doesn't live at home with his parents would be good. Someone who is caring and tells me they miss me and most importantly kisses me like they do. Honesty ranks pretty high with me too. And conversational skills are a definite must.

I can't think of any guy I have dated that possessed even most of those qualities. Sure at first they mostly do but that changes soon enough. For me, attraction usually starts off the same way - similar musical tastes. A similar sense of humor can also be a starting point. That usually involves a sarcastic vibe, enough that it's still fun and flirtatious. I have a problem of getting bored in relationships so I need to do new things. As much as I love to sit back and watch a movie, I like to get out too. And I just feel like it's easier to get to know someone when you are actually doing things together not just sitting at home.

I actually read something today that said love was accepting and cherishing the traits that someone has that we don't exactly find ideal. Because of course ideal would mean that we found someone who is perfect right? And well we know perfect is pretty much just a feeling, it doesn't exist physically or literally. For some reason though, my heart still believes I can find someone with all these qualities. Time will tell.

Repression

It's strangely easy for me to repress my feelings. What's strange about this is that my face is also very telling when I am feeling something.

If I'm happy, sad, or mad, people who pay attention can usually tell. But some people make it so easy for me to hide what I feel that I can put on a good act if I really want to. And sometimes it's just worth it to do so. If I feel like someone doesn't really care about my feelings then I just won't feel them as far as they know.

I assume this is why some people think I'm kind of mean sometimes or that I don't really care. When in reality I'm just holding everything inside. And as one of my favorite No Doubt songs says, "Magic's in the makeup."*

I'll admit that this isn't a good strategy and I know I've mentioned that I am working on changing this but I'm delusional enough to believe that it has helped me get over some things in the past. What better way to get over something or someone than to realize that the other person doesn't care? No sense in being the only one stressing over it. Whatever that it may be. Believe me, I can make an argument for the opposition here too. I am an advocate for telling the truth and telling people how you feel. I just think that road is too lonely when it's a one-way.

*(No Doubt song titled "Magic's In The Make-up" off of their Return of Saturn album)