Sprinkles

As I sat eating some ice cream one night, I had a thought. Ice cream is so much better with sprinkles. Well, so is life.

I may not currently enjoy my job, or spend a lot of time with my friends or family but it's the special moments in life that make it worth living. Taking my Mom wedding dress shopping with my Sister. Going to dinner with my boyfriend and then strolling down the street hand in hand. Seeing my Niece and Nephew run around my apartment with smiles on their faces. Spending a Saturday afternoon painting pottery with an old friend.

I think that as we all grow older, life becomes a bit of a routine. We have rent and bills to pay so we get full time jobs that only allow us two days off in the week and a handful of days for a vacation. Then on the days we have off we have to clean, run errands, buy groceries. Where is the off-time? The moments to cherish? They are sprinkled into our lives. They're the colorful memories we look back on. The pictures we spread around and share on our physical and internet walls. We need these moments to brighten up our lives. I love to travel and experience a new place. I like going to concerts and feeling the energy of live music. I enjoy sitting back and losing myself in a book. Those are just some of the little sprinkles I like to pour over my life. Everyone should have some.

Life is always better with sprinkles.

Time For A New Look

I finally did it! I cut it all off!

I know it seems very soon after my last post where I wrote about wanting to cut my hair, but when I set my mind on things like these I really try to do it as soon as possible. After days of debating going through with it and then doing research on hair salons, I decided that a salon would be the wrong choice for this kind of cut. A barber was the perfect choice. Luckily for me, I know one of the best barbers in NY.

I'm not sure why I didn't think of this sooner, but my journey led me to The Hustle Barbershop in (my hometown) Queens. It was a bit of an odd feeling for me to be at a Barbershop for myself but as they say "There's a first time for everything." The owner, Charly Hustle, is the one who I entrusted with my new 'do. I've known him for ages and he's like family to me so I trusted him completely to make me look beautiful. I will admit that when he started shaping it I was a little nervous and wondered if I made the right decision. Once he was finished, I was really thrilled and I can't wait to keep experimenting with the length.

The funniest thing to me is the initial reaction I have gotten. Most people haven't noticed until I turn my head since I still have a little length up top. But I have gotten plenty of compliments, which are greatly appreciated.

Pixie Dust

Back when I was a teenager, I used to say that when I turned 18 I would shave my head. I never did go through with it, but the thoughts have been coming back. Not necessarily of shaving it off but at least of going Pixie.

The thing is, I have never been hair-obsessed. I never wanted super long hair. I never cried when it was being cut. And once when I was about 12-13 years old, I actually lost some hair at a salon. A chunk from the right side of my head broke off during a relaxer. The stylist - who also happened to be the owner - was freaking out, while I just sat in her chair and told her it was no big deal. My philosophy has always been "Hair grows back."

So i've been skimming pictures of girls with Pixie cuts and hoping I get up the courage to actually do it one of these days. It kind of helps that there has been this surge of celebrities chopping off their long locks - Miley Cyrus, Anne Hathaway, Katie Holmes. And of course we can't forget that Halle Berry has been rocking her Pixie forever, and does so beautifully. Of course, if I looked like any of those women and could afford a personal stylist I would've done it a long time ago. But really my hesitation comes primarily from having curly hair. The last stylist I went to was afraid to even cut it to my shoulders, and it's pretty difficult to find anyone who would do it for me unless I have a lot of money to spend at a salon specializing in curly hair. Right now, I only go to salons when there's a deal online. I'd rather spend my money elsewhere.

Stick around with me on my hair journey..Pixie may make an appearance soon ;)

This is my cut right now..looks pretty short but when it's straight it falls at my shoulders.

Building a Foundation

I went to a wedding recently and some thing that one of the guest's said has stuck with me. I can't say it's something I didn't know about love and relationships already but it was reaffirmed for me. Basically, the guest was talking about the Bride and Groom and how much they have changed each other's lives through support for each other. Before they met they were each in a funk of their own and maybe a little lost. But since being together their friends and family have noticed that they build each other up, and through this they have already started to build a foundation for their life together.

I absolutely believe that to be in a successful relationship with someone there has to be understanding, respect and honesty. You have to have a partner who will support you and be a positive force in your life. Some days ago, I spoke with a friend who told me that when they expressed their dreams to their partner they kind of scoffed at them and pretty much told them they weren't going to make anything of themselves. That was deeply disturbing to me because it breeds an unhealthy relationship. It's definitely not the way I would want to start one.

I'm glad to be with someone who is first and foremost my friend. He believes in me and I believe in him. It's important to have someone that is going to bring you up and not push you down. Someone who belittles you and projects their negative views of the world onto you has problems of their own that they need to overcome before they can be in a healthy relationship. I am by far not an expert on relationships and I know it isn't right to judge one that you aren't in but I've witnessed and comforted friends who were in these types of relationships. People have their reasons for staying but I don't believe anyone should be unhappy at the hands of the person they are choosing to spend their lives with.

Any thoughts?

Ideally Speaking

We all have these ideas of who we want to fall in love with. The ideal partner. Or maybe just a "type." Some of us want someone who is funny. Someone who is caring. Maybe someone who is family oriented. But how many of us really end up with someone who embodies everything we want to find? How many of us find someone with half of what we want to find?

Personally, I'd like to be with someone who is more outgoing than me. Someone who wants to take walks with me to go get ice cream. Someone who likes outdoor concerts - well concerts in general. And traveling. I would love to travel more, even if it's just to a neighboring state. Someone who can dance and actually wants to go out dancing from time to time would be great. Of course this has to be someone who I am physically attracted to which is a list all on it's own.. and I am a bit of a romantic, so I like little out-of-nowhere gifts. I'm not talking jewelry and other expensive things, I mean tickets to a comedy show or even a surprise chocolate cupcake could make me happy. I like to flirt and show that I am still interested so I want someone who I can still flirt with after we've been seeing each other for some time. Since I'm not a big drinker, it would be ideal for me to find someone who also doesn't drink a lot. I like to go to bars and lounges and have a few drinks, or even at home but getting buzzed on a Tuesday when you have work the next day is not very fun to me.

Then of course there's the more typical stuff. I mean, I definitely want someone who makes me laugh. Someone who has a job and doesn't live at home with his parents would be good. Someone who is caring and tells me they miss me and most importantly kisses me like they do. Honesty ranks pretty high with me too. And conversational skills are a definite must.

I can't think of any guy I have dated that possessed even most of those qualities. Sure at first they mostly do but that changes soon enough. For me, attraction usually starts off the same way - similar musical tastes. A similar sense of humor can also be a starting point. That usually involves a sarcastic vibe, enough that it's still fun and flirtatious. I have a problem of getting bored in relationships so I need to do new things. As much as I love to sit back and watch a movie, I like to get out too. And I just feel like it's easier to get to know someone when you are actually doing things together not just sitting at home.

I actually read something today that said love was accepting and cherishing the traits that someone has that we don't exactly find ideal. Because of course ideal would mean that we found someone who is perfect right? And well we know perfect is pretty much just a feeling, it doesn't exist physically or literally. For some reason though, my heart still believes I can find someone with all these qualities. Time will tell.

Repression

It's strangely easy for me to repress my feelings. What's strange about this is that my face is also very telling when I am feeling something.

If I'm happy, sad, or mad, people who pay attention can usually tell. But some people make it so easy for me to hide what I feel that I can put on a good act if I really want to. And sometimes it's just worth it to do so. If I feel like someone doesn't really care about my feelings then I just won't feel them as far as they know.

I assume this is why some people think I'm kind of mean sometimes or that I don't really care. When in reality I'm just holding everything inside. And as one of my favorite No Doubt songs says, "Magic's in the makeup."*

I'll admit that this isn't a good strategy and I know I've mentioned that I am working on changing this but I'm delusional enough to believe that it has helped me get over some things in the past. What better way to get over something or someone than to realize that the other person doesn't care? No sense in being the only one stressing over it. Whatever that it may be. Believe me, I can make an argument for the opposition here too. I am an advocate for telling the truth and telling people how you feel. I just think that road is too lonely when it's a one-way.

*(No Doubt song titled "Magic's In The Make-up" off of their Return of Saturn album)

#15 - My Horoscope and If It Fits My Personality

My birthday is June 21st, and according to an Astrology book that I own, I am a Cancer with Gemini tendencies. I usually do identify with Gemini traits but as I have gathered online everyone born between June 21st and June 27th are on the Gemini-Cancer Cusp. And I just read the most insightful article on this. If you want to read it the link is below.

Simply JITH

Since there was so much in the article that I feel fits me, I figured I would take bits and pieces and just comment. For the record, when I read standard horoscopes I tend to read Gemini even if Cancer says it includes June 21st.

"...by virtue of the inherent defensive instinct associated with this cusp combination, even the most mild of these natives will be inclined to gently lay down emotional guidelines that should not be overstepped."

This was the first line I read that made me go "Yes! So true!" There are certain things that people can say or do that will cause me to just cut them off. It's a little hard to explain but here's an example: A few years ago, I was talking to this guy and I was starting to like him. Well one night we were hanging out and my cousin was with us but he was waiting for a cab to pick him up. After my cousin left, the guy made a comment about how badly he wanted my cousin to leave and proceeded to get too comfortable - taking his shoes off, laying down on my bed. I didn't appreciate his tone or what he implied by us being alone so I after just a little while I asked him to leave and we never hung out again.

"Falling within the influence of both Gemini and Cancer, these cuspians are, in fact, a rather interesting blend of logic and feeling."

This is why I think I am able to empathize and sympathize with people so well. I am pretty good at seeing both sides of a story and understanding people. I've learned to see many possibilities and play the Devil's advocate.

"If the Gemini/Cancer native does allow another to share his or her living space, then such implies immense trust and a great deal of respect for the other person. An invitation to visit this highly personal world is more often the giving of a true gift or the reflection of a desire to share, rather than a sign of ostentation or need for sociability."

This quote is so on-point. I am very hesitant to invite people over to my apartment. It's my space, it's my privacy and I don't feel like I can let just anyone in. Especially living in a studio, I feel like my apartment is me and it's not easy to let people in.

"..remaining in touch with reality is important for Gemini/Cancer subjects and they need to find friends and partners who are more extroverted by nature in order to provide an essential link to the world."

I would say this is the reason I am usually attracted to guys who are outgoing. Usually I have to force myself to be outgoing and extroverted. Many people think I am this way normally but I'm a big homebody, I just don't like to be in my shell for so long. I get stir-crazy often now since I spend a lot of time in my apt.

"Due to the influence of Mercury (Gemini's planetary ruler), there is a strong desire in this cusp combination to take up new projects and switch occupations"

Absolutely true for me. I am always looking for something new to do or try. As long as it's something creative, or I can learn from it, I want to do it. Plus, I get bored easily sometimes, so while routine is comforting it can get old quick.

"The inherent tendency to repress feelings should also be avoided."

This is the biggest issue I deal with. I'm not very good with verbally expressing myself, that's one reason I thought a blog would be a good idea for me. Writing down whatever I feel is easy to me but I usually end up keeping whatever that is to myself. When I used to write poems, they were always real - maybe a little exaggerated, but still real - but most people haven't read most of those. Figuring out why I tend to repress my feelings and how to stop doing so is something I am currently working on.

Moving Sideways

I really am at a point in my life where I don't know where I'm going, or where I want to go. It's like I'm riding on one of those floor escalator things and it's just taking me where it wants. I'm gliding through life and watching things pass me by.

I like to say I'm trying. Trying to find a new job, trying to meet new people. But am I trying hard enough? Wouldn't I see some kind of change by now if I were? Or is this just my life right now? Maybe I just need to be more patient. But it's hard when there aren't even enough hours in the day to breathe. I've been meaning to take Yoga more seriously and learn to meditate.. but it's so much easier to look for things to do outside of my apartment or just waste my time in front of the TV. I mean, who wants to think anyway?

I feel stagnant. Stuck. Disconnected. And it's a weird feeling. It's actually hard to explain so I don't even think I'll attempt to. It's just an up and down kind of thing going on. I want to break away. I want to win the lotto and disappear for a month. But, at the same time I just want to have a party with all of my friends, hug and kiss them and talk about bullsh*t. I have been doing some of that lately - the talking part, I could probably use some more hugs and kisses lol - and that's probably why I haven't gone insane yet.

Things are hard on a lot of us right now. For some it's work related (like me), for others it's about love or family, but it just seems everyone is struggling somewhere. This definitely bothers me. I don't like to see anyone I care about struggling, or feeling down about anything and I just wish I could help everyone. And to end this off with a cliche, I just want to add that I am going to try my best to stay positive. I think we could all benefit from sending out good energy.

Friends

I feel so alone sometimes. Like when I'm having a bad day I don't know who to vent to. Or when I'm excited about something I don't know who to share the news with. Even when I am just bored and want to have a random conversation I don't really know who to turn to.

It feels weird to have friends but not feel like I have a solid foundation. I mean, my friends will have my back if I am really going through something but first I'd have to catch them up on everything that has been going on lately. And I know I've spoken about this before but I still wish I had that tight-knit group that hangs out often and talks everyday. Or at least one person like that. I'm comfortable being alone but I don't like to feel lonely.

A solution I've heard to this is that I should make new friends. But I don't really want to make new friends. I don't want to force myself to go out places with the intention of meeting new people. I'm not against meeting someone new, I just don't want to force it or try too hard. I believe in things falling into place. In clicking with people. So, I guess whatever happens happens. I'll just make more use of this blog when I need to air things out.

Another Outfit Post

Even though I just had a post about my outfit, I guess I just can't help but do it again. I just really liked my outfit yesterday. And as I looked at my reflection in the subway car door, I realized just how inexpensive my entire outfit was. I've always known that you don't need to spend a lot of money to look good and I pride myself on being cheap. So, I just felt like making this post to have a little fun and really evaluate every piece of my outfit.

My jacket is from Strawberry and I swear it's the best $25 I have spent in a while. The purse was a find in Beacon's Closet and cost $10. The pashmina scarf was $5 from a street vendor, and the ring is from a little store in Atlantic City 2 for $10.


My tank dress is from H&M (I also have it in pink and black) and it was about $12. The shirt is also from H&M and I believe it was just $14. And my necklace from Forever 21 was $5.


These tights which have a diamond-like design and are really warm were bought in Walmart for $5, and my shoes from Forever 21 were $20.


And I just wanted to show you my watch that I got from New York & Company about two years ago. The proceeds were going to Breast Cancer Awareness. I can't remember how much it cost but when the money is going to a good cause it doesn't really matter.

#14 - What I Wore Friday

Okay so #14 is actually "What I Wore Today" but I totally meant to post this on Friday night. I was just too tired when I finally got home and Saturday I was in Atlantic City all day..but anyway.

What I wore at work was slightly different. Just black pants and black flats. This is what I wore to go out that night.

P.S: Please ignore the background. I have a studio apartment so the bathroom was the best place for me to put the mirror.


Domino Jeans, H&M Jacket, CaGi vintage envelope Clutch


Full body pic


H&M Shirt, Forever 21 bangles & necklace and my nameplate bracelet


My favorite Payless shoes

Baggage

I'm over YOU. Didn't like YOU that much. And I'm starting to like YOU. But I can't get over HIM.

Now, It's not like I lose sleep over it. But it is the reason why I can't trust. The reason I feel jaded. The reason I don't want to date anyone exclusively. I'm afraid of trusting like I did before and getting hurt again. And again. It's really not easy to admit that I have baggage. I mean, I know most of us do.. but this is like too-heavy-for-a-carryon baggage. And I know everything looks perfect on the outside, but all that weight has broken me inside.

So how do I believe what YOU or even YOU tell me is real? HE said a lot of the same things. HE looked at me in that same way too. Why should I think YOU are any different? Yea I know I sound bitter, and since I'm being honest I guess I somewhat am. So now YOU may wonder how anything I say is credible. But really, it just wouldn't make sense to embellish my feelings or hide what they are. Especially when I hope YOU won't do that either. That's what this whole post was about anyway, right?

Another Excuse

So it seems I basically disappeared for the month of September. Honestly, it's been a little hard to write lately. I can't concentrate. As I type this I am at work with CNN in the background and I can barely tune that out. I've just had too much on my mind lately and not enough time to clearly express my thoughts. Also, a lot of my free time has been spent applying to jobs with some kind of normal hours. Or sitting idly in front of my TV and enjoying doing nothing.
I did recently go on vacation. Labor Day weekend to be exact. And so it seems I shouldn't be as drained as I am. But all that vacation did was make me realize how much my life kinda sucks right now. I'm not sitting around moping about this. I've got plenty of good going on - like the fact that I make enough money to pay my rent and bills and still eat actual food. But I am exhausted most of the time. And I'm working a dead-end job that is utterly boring. My creativity is just stifled at the moment. I am hoping that will change soon since October has some exciting things waiting for me. I guess we'll see.

#12 - Five Guys I Find Attractive

1. Ryan Gosling - Handsome, Fit, Great Actor, Musician, Tattooed, Sexy..what more could I ask for?



2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I've figured out that this is my "type" of guy. Except with less muscles. Tanned Skin, Nice Smile, Tall.



3. Ryan Reynolds - I already had a crush on him by the time I saw him in Blade 3, but that movie sealed the deal for me. Plus, he's funny.



4. Josh Hartnett - I've been a fan of Josh for many years. He's not the typical guy I am attracted to but it's something about those eyes. He can be so mysterious.



5. Johnny Depp - Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love this man.




Notable mentions just cause I want to include them go to...
Mark Walhberg
Taye Diggs
Idris Elba
John Slattery
Mekhi Phifer

#11 - My Family

What can I really say about my family? I love my immediate family dearly. The friends which have become my extended family may not be people that I see all the time, or even speak to every day..but I love them just the same. Family to me means support. It means people that will tell you the truth no matter how painful it is. It means someone is always there.

A Change Would Do You Good

Some people are afraid to be single. I, am choosing to embrace it. There's just no reason to fight it anymore, or feel less adequate because of this. I have seen and heard too much lately that makes me realize sometimes love doesn't prevail. From past experiences I know that just because you love someone it doesn't mean you should stay with them. Sometimes you need to grow apart and take the chance that it just may not be meant to be. And if you both really love and want to be with each other now, you need to stop being stupid and start working on the relationship and learn to communicate. Too many arguments occur because of miscommunication.
Equally, I can't understand why some people are in a relationship with someone they don't want to be honest with or communicate with. Why withhold information from each other? Why be with someone if you want attention from someone else?
I've always valued my relationships - though admittedly there haven't been many. I could never fathom being with someone I'm not totally into. I need someone who makes me not want to flirt with other guys or get attention from others. And I guess that's what I'm looking to find. I'm not in a rush to find anything. It's good just to get to know people right now and in turn get to know what I really like in a partner. I think it's also really important to work on myself because I want to portray myself in the truest light. And I hope that the guys I meet or talk to will do the same. Maybe doing that in the beginning will avoid any problems down the line where you feel like you don't recognize the person you're with.
Everyday is a chance for a new beginning. I know a few people who could use one.

#10 - Put My iPod on Shuffle and Write The First Ten Songs

1. Ne-Yo - Can't Stop
2. Omega - Eto Eh Pa' Bailar
3. 50 Cent Ft. Mary J. Blige - All Of Me
4. Shakira - Devocion
5. Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
6. Los Toros Band - Y Es Que Sin Ti
7. Lucy Pearl - La, La
8. Marco Antonio Solis - Amor En Silencio
9. Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Something
10. Sisqo - Incomplete


I think my iPod could have gotten a lot more random actually. There are a lot of genres missing. And I always keep my iPod on Shuffle unless I want to hear a specific album or artist. With about 4000 songs it's a lot of fun to not know what's coming next or have a song you haven't heard in months pop up.

#9 - How Important I Think Education Is

Education is VERY important! I find it shocking how far in life people get without proper grammar. It really is a shame how poorly some grown ups spell. Not to mention the people who still type lyk dis or LiKe ThIs. That was cute back in JHS, definitely not cute as an adult. I also wonder how people who can't do simple algebra equations without a calculator get around. My math skills may not be the greatest but even if I can't figure out some calculations in my head, I can jot it down on a piece of paper and figure it out that way.

While I do believe that a basic education is vital - by basic I mean High School equivalent - I don't believe everyone needs a College or University education. I personally feel like I wasted a lot of time going to College. I was forced to take a lot of elective classes that had nothing to do with my major. I also had to take math courses and English courses that don't necessarily tie in with my major. Schools do this in order to get more money out of students and it is usually a waste. I would recommend getting a certificate degree or going to a specialised school to study. In these cases most or all of your classes will relate to your area of study.

And if you ever need a refresher on grammar I recommend READING! But stick to classic novels, not trashy novels, or gossip magazines.

#8 - What I Ate Yesterday

Actually this post is supposed to be titled "What I Ate Today" but so far that has only been a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and some tea.

Yesterday, I really didn't eat much..not as much as I should if I really stick with my idea of wanting to gain weight. But let's see, I had a yogurt parfait from Starbucks for breakfast with some peppermint tea. As a mid-morning snack I tried to eat a banana walnut bread slice, also from Starbucks, only to discover the girl at the register gave me the wrong thing. I think it was some pumpkin cake thing instead. It was orangey - not in taste though, in color. For lunch I had spaghetti with ground chicken in tomato sauce. As my afternoon snack I had some oatmeal cookies. Water with all of this. A twizzler at some point. When I got home I had two chicken hot dogs and a can of Sprite. Had to leave for an appointment so it had to be something quick. Then before bed I had some green grapes. And more water.

#7 - Five Pet Peeves

1. Crowding the escalator: I can't emphasize enough how annoyed I get when I am in a rush somewhere and people in front of me on an escalator are just standing there. In the way. Actually, it annoys me even when I'm not in a rush. An escalator is supposed to help you get somewhere faster, not do all the work for you! At least move over so that people who aren't feeling lazy can go about their day.

2. Grooming on the train: When did people get so comfortable in public that they don't mind applying make-up, cutting their nails, and combing their hair on the train? There are plenty more personal things I've seen people do on the train but I shouldn't even have to be talking about this right now. Worst of all is some people pass on these disgusting habits to their kids! Where in your mind is it okay to cut your kid's nails on the train?? And whenever I see a chick doing her make-up on the train, I always hope for a quick stop or jerky movement just so I can see her poke her eye with the eye-liner or smear lipstick across her cheek.

3. Eating like a horse: Why some people were never taught to chew with their mouth closed, I cannot understand. Don't they get disgusted seeing someone else eat the same way. On top of that, some people make noises when they eat? Ugh.

4. Poor grammar: Spell check is on every computer, and every cell phone so why are people still spelling words wrong? Especially people who graduated Junior High School. It especially annoys me when people try to use common phrases and they spell a word wrong or don't even use the right words. I wish I had some examples because I see this happen on my Facebook news feed everyday. Unfortunately.

5. LOLz/LOLs: I cannot stand it when someones entire vocabulary is made up of "cutesy" words. Adding an S or Z to the end of LOL makes no sense whatsoever! Writing "I mish you" instead of "I miss you" is not cute. "Babii" instead of "baby"? Give me a break! If you are over 18 years old, please start speaking like an adult who has some knowledge of grammar. Purposely using bad grammar is so much worse than just being ignorant of vocabulary. Do it once in a while but don't live your life this way.