Repression

It's strangely easy for me to repress my feelings. What's strange about this is that my face is also very telling when I am feeling something.

If I'm happy, sad, or mad, people who pay attention can usually tell. But some people make it so easy for me to hide what I feel that I can put on a good act if I really want to. And sometimes it's just worth it to do so. If I feel like someone doesn't really care about my feelings then I just won't feel them as far as they know.

I assume this is why some people think I'm kind of mean sometimes or that I don't really care. When in reality I'm just holding everything inside. And as one of my favorite No Doubt songs says, "Magic's in the makeup."*

I'll admit that this isn't a good strategy and I know I've mentioned that I am working on changing this but I'm delusional enough to believe that it has helped me get over some things in the past. What better way to get over something or someone than to realize that the other person doesn't care? No sense in being the only one stressing over it. Whatever that it may be. Believe me, I can make an argument for the opposition here too. I am an advocate for telling the truth and telling people how you feel. I just think that road is too lonely when it's a one-way.

*(No Doubt song titled "Magic's In The Make-up" off of their Return of Saturn album)

Moving Sideways

I really am at a point in my life where I don't know where I'm going, or where I want to go. It's like I'm riding on one of those floor escalator things and it's just taking me where it wants. I'm gliding through life and watching things pass me by.

I like to say I'm trying. Trying to find a new job, trying to meet new people. But am I trying hard enough? Wouldn't I see some kind of change by now if I were? Or is this just my life right now? Maybe I just need to be more patient. But it's hard when there aren't even enough hours in the day to breathe. I've been meaning to take Yoga more seriously and learn to meditate.. but it's so much easier to look for things to do outside of my apartment or just waste my time in front of the TV. I mean, who wants to think anyway?

I feel stagnant. Stuck. Disconnected. And it's a weird feeling. It's actually hard to explain so I don't even think I'll attempt to. It's just an up and down kind of thing going on. I want to break away. I want to win the lotto and disappear for a month. But, at the same time I just want to have a party with all of my friends, hug and kiss them and talk about bullsh*t. I have been doing some of that lately - the talking part, I could probably use some more hugs and kisses lol - and that's probably why I haven't gone insane yet.

Things are hard on a lot of us right now. For some it's work related (like me), for others it's about love or family, but it just seems everyone is struggling somewhere. This definitely bothers me. I don't like to see anyone I care about struggling, or feeling down about anything and I just wish I could help everyone. And to end this off with a cliche, I just want to add that I am going to try my best to stay positive. I think we could all benefit from sending out good energy.