Repression

It's strangely easy for me to repress my feelings. What's strange about this is that my face is also very telling when I am feeling something.

If I'm happy, sad, or mad, people who pay attention can usually tell. But some people make it so easy for me to hide what I feel that I can put on a good act if I really want to. And sometimes it's just worth it to do so. If I feel like someone doesn't really care about my feelings then I just won't feel them as far as they know.

I assume this is why some people think I'm kind of mean sometimes or that I don't really care. When in reality I'm just holding everything inside. And as one of my favorite No Doubt songs says, "Magic's in the makeup."*

I'll admit that this isn't a good strategy and I know I've mentioned that I am working on changing this but I'm delusional enough to believe that it has helped me get over some things in the past. What better way to get over something or someone than to realize that the other person doesn't care? No sense in being the only one stressing over it. Whatever that it may be. Believe me, I can make an argument for the opposition here too. I am an advocate for telling the truth and telling people how you feel. I just think that road is too lonely when it's a one-way.

*(No Doubt song titled "Magic's In The Make-up" off of their Return of Saturn album)

Baggage

I'm over YOU. Didn't like YOU that much. And I'm starting to like YOU. But I can't get over HIM.

Now, It's not like I lose sleep over it. But it is the reason why I can't trust. The reason I feel jaded. The reason I don't want to date anyone exclusively. I'm afraid of trusting like I did before and getting hurt again. And again. It's really not easy to admit that I have baggage. I mean, I know most of us do.. but this is like too-heavy-for-a-carryon baggage. And I know everything looks perfect on the outside, but all that weight has broken me inside.

So how do I believe what YOU or even YOU tell me is real? HE said a lot of the same things. HE looked at me in that same way too. Why should I think YOU are any different? Yea I know I sound bitter, and since I'm being honest I guess I somewhat am. So now YOU may wonder how anything I say is credible. But really, it just wouldn't make sense to embellish my feelings or hide what they are. Especially when I hope YOU won't do that either. That's what this whole post was about anyway, right?