Baggage

I'm over YOU. Didn't like YOU that much. And I'm starting to like YOU. But I can't get over HIM.

Now, It's not like I lose sleep over it. But it is the reason why I can't trust. The reason I feel jaded. The reason I don't want to date anyone exclusively. I'm afraid of trusting like I did before and getting hurt again. And again. It's really not easy to admit that I have baggage. I mean, I know most of us do.. but this is like too-heavy-for-a-carryon baggage. And I know everything looks perfect on the outside, but all that weight has broken me inside.

So how do I believe what YOU or even YOU tell me is real? HE said a lot of the same things. HE looked at me in that same way too. Why should I think YOU are any different? Yea I know I sound bitter, and since I'm being honest I guess I somewhat am. So now YOU may wonder how anything I say is credible. But really, it just wouldn't make sense to embellish my feelings or hide what they are. Especially when I hope YOU won't do that either. That's what this whole post was about anyway, right?

Another Excuse

So it seems I basically disappeared for the month of September. Honestly, it's been a little hard to write lately. I can't concentrate. As I type this I am at work with CNN in the background and I can barely tune that out. I've just had too much on my mind lately and not enough time to clearly express my thoughts. Also, a lot of my free time has been spent applying to jobs with some kind of normal hours. Or sitting idly in front of my TV and enjoying doing nothing.
I did recently go on vacation. Labor Day weekend to be exact. And so it seems I shouldn't be as drained as I am. But all that vacation did was make me realize how much my life kinda sucks right now. I'm not sitting around moping about this. I've got plenty of good going on - like the fact that I make enough money to pay my rent and bills and still eat actual food. But I am exhausted most of the time. And I'm working a dead-end job that is utterly boring. My creativity is just stifled at the moment. I am hoping that will change soon since October has some exciting things waiting for me. I guess we'll see.

#12 - Five Guys I Find Attractive

1. Ryan Gosling - Handsome, Fit, Great Actor, Musician, Tattooed, Sexy..what more could I ask for?



2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I've figured out that this is my "type" of guy. Except with less muscles. Tanned Skin, Nice Smile, Tall.



3. Ryan Reynolds - I already had a crush on him by the time I saw him in Blade 3, but that movie sealed the deal for me. Plus, he's funny.



4. Josh Hartnett - I've been a fan of Josh for many years. He's not the typical guy I am attracted to but it's something about those eyes. He can be so mysterious.



5. Johnny Depp - Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love this man.




Notable mentions just cause I want to include them go to...
Mark Walhberg
Taye Diggs
Idris Elba
John Slattery
Mekhi Phifer

#11 - My Family

What can I really say about my family? I love my immediate family dearly. The friends which have become my extended family may not be people that I see all the time, or even speak to every day..but I love them just the same. Family to me means support. It means people that will tell you the truth no matter how painful it is. It means someone is always there.

A Change Would Do You Good

Some people are afraid to be single. I, am choosing to embrace it. There's just no reason to fight it anymore, or feel less adequate because of this. I have seen and heard too much lately that makes me realize sometimes love doesn't prevail. From past experiences I know that just because you love someone it doesn't mean you should stay with them. Sometimes you need to grow apart and take the chance that it just may not be meant to be. And if you both really love and want to be with each other now, you need to stop being stupid and start working on the relationship and learn to communicate. Too many arguments occur because of miscommunication.
Equally, I can't understand why some people are in a relationship with someone they don't want to be honest with or communicate with. Why withhold information from each other? Why be with someone if you want attention from someone else?
I've always valued my relationships - though admittedly there haven't been many. I could never fathom being with someone I'm not totally into. I need someone who makes me not want to flirt with other guys or get attention from others. And I guess that's what I'm looking to find. I'm not in a rush to find anything. It's good just to get to know people right now and in turn get to know what I really like in a partner. I think it's also really important to work on myself because I want to portray myself in the truest light. And I hope that the guys I meet or talk to will do the same. Maybe doing that in the beginning will avoid any problems down the line where you feel like you don't recognize the person you're with.
Everyday is a chance for a new beginning. I know a few people who could use one.